I have always admired people who are completely comfortable with their bodies, they love the way they look and walk around with complete confidence. In fact, if it was socially acceptable, they would probably love to walk around completely naked, showing off their beautiful bodies confident in the knowledge that they look freaking awesome. I am however part of the other group of people, the ones that are not completely comfortable with their bodies and would rather walk on a bed of nails with a concrete slab on their head than be seen anywhere but inside the comfort of their homes with no clothes on.
I have always had a slightly distorted view of myself. When I was painfully skinny, I thought I was too skinny. When I gained weight, I thought I was too big and it was a constant yo-yo of trying to be happy about what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I believe there are three views we have of ourselves. There’s the way we actually look, what we see when we look in the mirror and the way we want to look. These three views rarely line up into one view and it’s a constant struggle.
For a long time I thought I looked better in clothes than without them. I felt like clothes help to tuck things in and tighten stuff up compared to being naked and have everything hanging in all directions, at least that’s what it seemed like in my head. I started working out because, I wanted to maintain the way I looked in my clothes because that made me feel good about myself. I told myself that, thankfully, I spend 98% of my time clothed so it is actually better to look good in clothes than to look good without them. Boyfriends and subsequently my husband would tell me I looked awesome with no clothes on and would look at me admiringly but I never believed them because I felt that they had to say that and they weren’t being honest with me. I would get compliments from strangers about parts of my body I was the most insecure about and I would accept the compliments graciously but I didn’t believe them to be true. How could it be true when all I saw in the mirror when I look at myself were my giant arms, my no-boobs chest and ab-less tummy.
I honestly cannot pinpoint exactly where these insecurities came from or how they started. Maybe it was because I was teased in high school about being too skinny and looking like a twig or I that was so flat chested that I looked like a boy or from being told I wasn’t skinny enough to pledge a sorority. It took me a long time to realize that my insecurities made no sense. It took a long time for me to be happy with what I saw when I looked in the mirror and to love my naked body especially when I work so hard on it and not to hide behind or should I say, inside clothes. The human body is unique and beautiful, I may not look like a model or like my favorite fitness trainer or like the girl in the grocery store or the mall but my unique body that I was given is beautiful and I had to feel that from my heart for it to become my truth.
I still don’t like my arms or abs but I am working my butt off (no pun intended) to sculpt them.The beauty of the human body is that with hard work and dedication, it can be sculpted and shaped to look the way you want it to. No, working out is not going to make my chest bigger but I have grown to accept that there’s nothing I can do to change this part of my body and with the miracle that is Victoria’s Secret padded bras, I don’t leave the house without one on.
Why spend time obsessing about my arms or my abs when I could divert the time and energy into sculpting those areas so I can be happy with them. People always think that if you are not overweight, you don’t have insecurities about the way you look, but this isn’t the case. Insecurities come in all shapes and sizes and I have met people that aren’t skinny or have flat abs or perfect arms that are so confident in their skin and have no insecurities about their bodies at all, they simply love themselves.
I have come a long way from the insecure person I used to be and it took a lot of self discovery and learning to love my naked body and accepting things I couldn’t change and had no control over, to get to who I am now, which is someone that sometimes still struggles with insecurities about my arms and abs and still sometimes looks at my naked body in the mirror hoping to see that 3rd person, the one I wish I looked like. However, I can say with 100% certainty that these instances are few and far between. I accept compliments about the way I look from strangers now because, why would a random stranger lie to me. I believe my husband when he says he loves my body because, why shouldn’t it be true and one of these days you will all read a post about how much I love my abs and arms after I get done sculpting them, so stay tuned 🙂
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